Varama ellei Sabama ?

Wonder what is the path of light for me.. Varama ellei sabama? (translation of: is it a gift or a curse?). This few days after my fathers death, my mind is not in one place.. to be precise in peace.. i felt something larger going to happen. Is it for me? or for anyone else? Im trying my best not to think negative, but surely this is not the actual me, thinking things and imagining things relatively.. What should i do? Ive lost hope on faith this few days. Tried to stand in front of the altar closing my eyes, with a deep breath focusing on things but ive failed. Wonder what should i do. I just wish whatever it is.. not a bad ones cause im not in a state of accepting bad things right now.. Il just leave it to the time to tell.. if its a gift or a curse which awaits me....

Soul Patch

Completed my fathers final prayers to rest his soul in peace. The last couple of days I was extremely buzy with arrangements and stuff. All went well. I must thank the dedication and support given by my relatives countless of days on helping us arrange and book stuffs for us. Without them we are generally doomed. Happy at last.

Good bye Father!

2nd of June. I thought it would be a normal day on my life. Never knew thats the day i would loss a person called father. I had a preety bad relation with my father. Never did i saw even once a good side of him. Not an evil person, but i never had an absolute bonding like how rest of father and son out there. He is a person on his own term. Hardly loved or cared for the family, Im not saying this to express how degradefull he is, but i understand to a certain extend that this is how he was brought up. Full of luxury without the sense of love & care. So thats how ive been brought up. Whenever i saw anyone with full love and and care for their father, i feel sad as why i been denied such love. Such time i made a promise that i will never make such a scenario to happen for my childrens. Enough is enough as how i had it in my life, i want my sons to feel the love and caring how a father would provide.

He is 65 years old, with a medical history of diabetic and hypertension but withoutany history of heart based complication. His death is due to heartattack. I was beside him as he breathed for the last time. I was on tears during the funeral. For me the tears is not for the love or his affection but rather a sign of thanks for giving me an initial, giving me a symbol, bringing me to this world and of course tears of thinking my mothers situation.. husbandless.

Dad
at many times, i thought bad and act bad towards you.
at many times, i raised my voice towards you.
at many times, i acted selfishly ignoring your emotion.
at many times, i disobey you
at many times, i disrespect you
at many times, i hurt your feelings

for all those i can only pray for appologies. I just wish we will meet again some day, some place
and we could make things up..  please forgive me.. and rest in peace.

Your son, Gauthemen.